For my 40th birthday back in November Stephen surprised me with a trip to Seattle.
The trip was this week.
Some of you may be thinking, fun!
Yep, those weren’t my first thoughts when I received this gift. Every thought was fear based.
“We will be away from the kids so long.”
“I have to fly😬 I am not a great traveler to begin with and I haven’t flown since treatments. How bad will the pressure and pain be in my head?”
“The last time Stephen surprised me with a trip for my birthday we went to Nashville. The day after we got back I was diagnosed. Will I be diagnosed again after this trip?”
Yes, those were my real thoughts as fear gripped my heart. And although I am grateful for his thoughtful gift, the unknowns of what I had to move through to get there really challenged me. I started thinking...
Maybe we shouldn’t go.
Maybe Stephen should just take Kate.
Oh a snowstorm is coming❄️ Maybe our flights will be cancelled🙃
This is the truth of my anxious mind. It plays on repeat all the possible negative outcomes, and creates options to remove this obstacle from my path.
Please don’t let this shirt in this picture fool you. The truth is I wore this shirt a friend gifted me during my walk with cancer because I needed these words coming at me in every way.
Yes, I paused. breathed. and prayed.
All day.
Yet prayer isn’t like a light switch that just turns off anxiety.
Anxiety is real and it’s awful. And it made me want to scrap the whole trip but I will not let fear be my compass in life, even when it feels like I have no faith left in me at all. When I sat on the plane, as I prayed, tears streamed down my face. The fear of the unknowns won over the battle for my heart and mind.
Yet, I refuse to let fear win that battle. I am determined to let faith win.
How?
I know that beyond the fear is where truth resides. So I was constantly seeking that truth to come to the forefront and not remain in the background. I listened to nourishing music for the majority of the flight as the lyrics spoke truth to my heart.
I know our kids are in great hands.
Yes, I have pressure and pain, but it will pass in time.
Just because I was diagnosed after our last trip he surprised me with for my birthday it doesn’t mean that will be the truth of this trip.
May I let go and trust God…again.
I share this with you today because I know I am not the only one who has fear grip their heart at times. If you too get paralyzed by fear, I invite you to join me to...
Pause. Breathe. Pray.
May we not believe the lies fear tells us. Fear tries to stop us from living our lives fully, from receiving love from those who try to pour it our way. May we not allow fear to stop us from moving forward. As we move forward, as slowly as it may be, fear may even come with us for a while, as it did with me. Yet when we are able to get to the other side of those lies we step into faith and truth. And in faith there is freedom and life.
May we take that step forward, as tough as it may be, and move closer to living a freer life in faith, not fear.
With love and hope,
Shawn
