As I sat waiting for my results yesterday I heard the doctor in the hall say, “it isn’t ACC (that is the cancer I had) but I don’t know what it is.”
As soon as I heard that my mind went to the worst case scenario…the cancer is back.
I sat there trying to pray, shift my thoughts, but anxiety gripped me and I had to use the restroom. As I walked out the door I happened to see the computer screen with a scan on it and my name was on the screen.
I was certain I was going to be hearing bad news.
After being prayed over that morning, having a peaceful time in the MRI and with my mom in Boston Common, my mind was gripped by fear and I couldn’t find a way out of it.
I asked one of the nurses to come in and she was trying to help me calm my nerves saying things like…
try and relax your body.
breathe.
what you are thinking may not be true.
wait and the doctor will clarify.
I know what she was saying would be helpful yet I was struggling to put those into practice in that moment. And for most of the day I was able to practice these things but in this 20 minute period, I knew what I had to do but the fear of hearing the cancer is back gripped me.
Yes, I should have….
paused. breathed. prayed.
But all logical and rational thinking went out the window and I was gripped by fear. I just needed concrete information so that my brain wouldn’t continue on the loop of thoughts, that I didn’t now if they were true or not.
Eventually the doctor came in and shared that my scans were good!
The relief that rushed through me formed tears of gratitude that flowed down my cheeks.
I share this with you today because I am triggered at times and I am not immune to fear gripping me. This was a reminder that working on new healthy thought patterns in the calm will help me in the storm yet when you are in a negative thought cycle it is not a flip of the switch to get out of it.
If you can relate, please know you are not alone. I invite you to join me to…
pause. breathe. pray.™
May we have grace for ourselves for when we are triggered and can’t get out of these hard moments and negative thought loop. May we trust that God is with us, even if we aren’t practicing His Word and that we are still loved as messy as we are. May we be willing to invite others into our messy, like I did with the nurse, so that we don’t sit in the heavy and hard alone.
And when we remember to, like I did after I got the news of clear scans, let’s fix our eyes back on God knowing we are like the prodigal son who went away for a while but He is welcoming us back with open arms, meeting us where we are with love and compassion.
With love and hope,
Shawn
“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him."- Luke 15:20